Last week I wrote a rant called, How Not to Ask for WordPress and Facebook Help, which was about people placing unrealistic expectations on people when asking for free help.
I received great feedback from the article in the comments, through Twitter and on Facebook. Learning that others agreed with me and have gone through the same thing increased my confidence and helped me be more assertive.
And it’s good thing that there was a positive outcome. Because the week following the posting of that article brought some of the worst past clients out of the woodwork and some really bizarre requests. I even checked to see if was a full moon ;-) But I was able to be more assertive with the inquiries and cut through the bullshit. The downside of this is that it, in addition to all the regular work I was doing, exhausted me and by Friday I could barely stand looking at the computer and reading emails. I stayed away from the computer most of the weekend, however, and felt refreshed when I started work on Monday morning.
I find it difficult to be assertive, especially online. In real life, face to face encounters I’m good at standing up for myself but for some reason I find it harder through email. I’m not sure why that is. But there is something about online requests that makes me much less assertive than I am in real life.
I think there are three main reasons for this
- My office jobs trained me to respond to unreasonable demands immediately ;-) And I haven’t fully relearned that this is now my own email and if I really really want to, I can just delete it.
- I want people to hire me. So, the faster I respond and the more flexible I am the more likely this will happen. Of course, that isn’t true. It can help but usually the people who make unreasonable demands from the beginning are the ones that are going to be difficult to work with always.
- I am female. This doesn’t necessarily make me less assertive but I think that, overall, women still struggle with this issue. It’s very hard for a woman to be assertive and to not be labeled a bitch. It happens all the time. And being a woman in a slightly technical field comes with a host of issues. Most of my clients are women. And I think one of the main reason is because most men still aren’t comfortable with women knowing more about tech than they do. I say most.
What followed the rant
So, I posted the rant, got great feedback and felt confident and assertive. Good thing because here’s a handful of the emails I ended up dealing with. And why did they all appear in the same week?
- Request for Facebook consulting – This is fine. The name, however, seemed familiar and the person had a small unpaid invoice from last October. I had written off ever being paid so at first I was going to ignore the request. Instead, I sent an email saying that I would be happy to schedule a time to speak but that there was an unpaid consulting invoice that needed to be paid first. (Supposedly, it’s now going to be paid but I haven’t seen that happen yet).
- WordPress Assistance – Again, not an unusual request. But this was from a very difficult person that I was hoping I’d heard the last from. I was tempted to ignore it but instead replied saying, this is how much it will cost and I will require a deposit up front. I didn’t say why but I knew from past experience it was best to handle it that way. I haven’t heard back ;-)
- Finder’s Fee?? – This was my favorite. And when I think I’ve heard it all … I was sent an email about RSS feeds and code for them. The request was too complicated for a quick email answer so I sent my rate and other information. A couple of days later I received a reponse asking if I had an affiliate program for people she referred to me. Huh? I’m one person – either refer them or don’t but I’m not going to pay you to do that. I’m not Amazon, Hostgator, or even Studiopress. Give me a break! ;-)
I’m slowly learning how to be more assertive and to write sensible and matter of fact responses rather than getting pissed or feeling guilty. And I’m working on getting away from old work habits learned in office jobs. The supportive comments from my rant really helped. It’s funny and ironic that such odd requests came the same week. It was almost like I was being tested. ;-)
Do you, especially if you a woman, find it difficult to be assertive? How do you stand up for yourself?
photo credit: *katz
I’ve always had problems being assertive. I’m sure that’s a little difficult to believe of a 6’3″, 285 pound guy, but it’s true.
Part of the way I dealt with it at work was that I only needed to be assertive in situations where I was the “responsible adult” or the “subject matter expert.”
Out in the world, I limit the situations where I have to deal with people. For instance, I would never be comfortable selling goods or services online, especially where there has to be interaction. Oh, I know it’s not the norm — but I don’t even want to think about those kinds of stresses if I don’t have to.
.-= Mike´s last blog ..Setting =-.
Hi Mike – Is this because you have a gentler personality or are you shy? it’s funny because we tend to perceive big guys as being super assertive and knowing how to get their way.
I resisted freelancing for a long time because I thought I would have a hard time dealing with people. I have become more patient as I’ve gotten older so it’s a little easier. But they still really tick me off sometimes.
I’m bigger then Mike in both areas, lol, and this is the second reason I haven’t set up consulting yet.
For the curious – 6’7″ 400+
.-= Dennis Edell | Direct Sales Marketing´s last blog ..New Form of Human SPAM – Now via Yahoo Messenger =-.
What I’ve done in certain situations where I need to be more assertive, is to do what I think a couple other women I look up to would do. :D
How would my mom handle this, for example? In a couple of instances, I’ve asked her for general advice on what to say, so I just remember that. It’s firm, yet polite.
.-= Andrea_r´s last blog ..Upgrading to 3.0 =-.
Firm but polite is the perfect solution. It just takes me longer to write out ;-) I try to think about how others respond when I do business with them and emulate that.
My Mom was NOT a good example of being assertive.
Hi Kim – I’ve enjoyed these posts. Everyone in small business or freelance should be able to relate to any number of the situations you describe and be very familiar with efforts to devise policy that feels “true” and in alignment with good customer service standards.
In mentoring franchisees, what I’ve found is that focus for those new in their business can sometimes be primarily about their need for revenue. I’ve repeatedly seen that need take them into situations that might better be declined. When I’m asked for advice, I sometimes feel like I’m Debbie Downer when I tell them this is not a piece of “good business.” For them, any business is good business! We’ve all been there!
Being able to choose who you’re doing business with is the reason many of us leave employment in the first place. The phrasing that we’ve hit on that helps with these tricky situations contains, “It’s our (note the plural, then it’s not about you but your company) policy to . . .” It works like magic because you’re not the bad guy, just the messenger. Subtle shift that often makes the difference in the customer’s perception. A little bit of disassociation (not too much) makes for a better transaction.
.-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..Hunting and Cooking with Wild Morel Mushrooms =-.
Hi Betsy – That’s interesting – saying “our”. I think I have a hard time with that because it’s just me and I think most people know that. Hmm … that is something to consider.
I definitely made a lot of mistakes in the beginning because I wanted to make money and didn’t want to turn down anything. Some projects became such a mess that I was lucky if I ended up earning minimum wage ;-)
“our” is not such a good plan if you’re lone, for two reasons.
1. Many people pick lone over companies on purpose, especially online and especially beginners.
2. You may easily lose face (rep/respect) if you’re caught lying…essentially what it is.
.-= Dennis Edell | Direct Sales Marketing´s last blog ..New Form of Human SPAM – Now via Yahoo Messenger =-.
I totally understand where you are coming from (and hope I’m not one of “those” people!!) ;)
My husband constantly tells me that I shouldn’t give away so much time or that I need to be more persistent in asking clients to pay outstanding bills before doing more work for them.
I once had a person (not yet a client) who insisted that I give him 10 FREE hours of my time in “good faith” in order to make the deal. Then, proceeded to haggle with me on the quote. In the end he wanted 10 hours free time and a $1500 quote. Um, huh? His reasoning? In his supply chain management business he often gave away his time to make a sale…a $30K sale. And because that’s what HE did, he expected everyone else to do it for him. In this case, I was so flabbergasted that I politely told him that I was certain I could not meet his expectations. (This was all over e-mail, BTW.) It took several communications for me to make him understand that I didn’t want his business. He wouldn’t take NO for an answer.
I’m learning that time does make you wiser and in my case, more cynical, and that it’s really OK to sometimes force people to understand that your time is valuable. And sometimes it’s OK to just chick DELETE. ;)
.-= Beth J. Bates´s last blog ..Need help with social media? We can help! =-.
Those guys I throw math at them to show how it totally DOES NOT WORK. :D
.-= Andrea_r´s last blog ..Upgrading to 3.0 =-.
I had someone throw math at me when complaining about my rate. “Well, that times 40 hours times 52 weeks must make you an awesome salary.” I almost replied, “yeah, but I’m not making a cent while reading this email and having you complain at me.” ;-)
Hi Beth – LOL – Not you :-) The people I work with regularly are awesome and the ones that aren’t I don’t work with a second time. Remember how we thought the other was annoyed because we both write such short matter of fact emails – that was pretty funny.
Yeah – $1500 is just like $30,000.
And I hate to generalize but overall I’ve had more issues like that with men than women. Not to say I haven’t had awesome male clients – I’m finishing up a great one now, but most of my problems come from men.
Yes, Yes, Yes
I tend to give out way too much information and struggle with approaching people at a point where “free” help needs to be paid for.
When 1 question becomes 5 and you throw your retainer rates into the next email for further “training” I almost feel bad.
Lord knows Kim you have given me loads of “free” knowledge… probably too much. I appreciate it for sure!
“Free” for me not for you, “free” for my clients not for me. There must be a point where you say no more “free”
Be strong gal!
.-= Jen @ Eco-Office Gals´s last blog ..Please Kill the Paper Receipt Results =-.
Hi Jen – We have a chain of free info ;-) Someone at the end of the chain must be earning something from it :-) LOL
Yes them free knowledge = us lost time
.-= Jen @ Eco-Office Gals´s last blog ..Please Kill the Paper Receipt Results =-.
I think Betsy is spot on, although I am still in the “working on it becoming second nature” phase.
If I can go off on a bit of a tangent/rant, I really dislike the phrase “the customer is always right”. I don’t have much respect for businesses that allow their customers to verbally abuse employees then reward them for their bad behavior by giving them what they want.
I respect a customer that negotiates in a respectful way that shows that they do value my time and skills.
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..Why the pointless cut off? =-.
Hi Tracy – I think a customer is the one that first came up with the customer is always right ;-) I agree – it really annoys me when someone who behaves terribly and makes a big fuss over nothing gets preferred treatment. It’s my understanding that this is more of a US thing – I don’t think it’s the same idea with customers in Canada.
When I worked in tech support the customers would get a survey link to rate our performance. If something wasn’t just right the manager would contact them and go above and beyond to make the person happy. And 9 times out of 10, the customer was just being an idiot – they gave a poor rating because the software didn’t work the way they wanted. They would get all sorts of extra attention over nothing. And the manager would make me, or whoever got the bad rating, have a bunch of meetings about it, etc. It was such a huge waste of time. God, I really despised that manager.
Funny it is viewed as being assertive, and not just doing business as it should be. Seems that small businesses bear the brunt of requests for freebies. Also I believe it should be “the customer has rights”, but only paying customers do, and those who respect my expertise for which they are paying.
Hi Sandra – That’s a good point. I think part of it may be my personality and my non-business sense of the world. I like helping people and being kind and find it amazing to see what people think they can get away with. I’m slowly learning how to manage it better.
I don’t find it difficult to be assertive, but. But. I work in corporate big-wig america, and for years was down-graded in reviews for being seen as bitchy (which isn’t actually what they said, but I read between the lines). Recently, I’ve been tempering my direct, assertive, goal-driven attitude with a calm veneer of ‘patience’ (yoga helped). It’s a bit of play acting on my part. I’m still just as direct as ever, but I do it with a smile, and I spend (waste?) a lot of time being ‘nice.’
I actually have much more of a problem with woman than men, since I behave (or so I’ve been told) in a traditionally male manner. Which may be why so many people online think I’m a dude…
.-= Ipstenu´s last blog ..Laughing at Schaudenfreud =-.
Funny how assertive women are always seen as bitchy.
.-= Andrea_r´s last blog ..Upgrading to 3.0 =-.
I was going to go into that more in this article and decided the topic was too big and would need to be a completely separate one.
Calm really does work well. Just like with children ;-) If I scold my daughter quietly – almost whispering – I get a better response than when I yell at her. She just tunes it out.
My emails tend to be short and to the point. In the corp world I was told that they were too “battle-axe”. Can you imagine that being told to a man?
I like Ipstenu’s mention of yoga. That’s what saved me in the end. I used to be “Super bitchy”. Even I knew that and admitted it. Being French Canadian, I think that people were more accepting and tolerated my shortness and rudeness with them, but being like that wasn’t good for me. Yoga has thought me that everything is ok… Work will still be there tomorrow…. Breathe…. I look at things much more differently now and just try not to get worked up. That’s just wasted energy.
Now when I get really annoying emails, I usually wait a day before replying to them. I may also write my response and save it as a draft and then revisit it or ask someone else to read it. I found that, over and over, when I say no to someone, another door opens up and a much more reasonable, nicer person is behind it.
Hi Christine – I try to wait on the annoying emails too. Usually after a day I’m not quite so bothered by them. Of course, there are the people who will have send three more and called in the meantime.
Are French Canadians known for being rude? The one’s I’ve known have been ok. Overall, I think Canadians are awesome and make for some of the best clients I’ve had.
So far, I haven’t been much of a yoga person- maybe I should give it another try – there’s a really cool place just down the street.
I’m also getting better at *who* I want to do business with. If I have to wring ever dollar in payment out of them, like they try and wring every extra hour out of me, I am more willing to drop them. Or, better yet, not work for them in the first place.
.-= Andrea_r´s last blog ..Upgrading to 3.0 =-.
Hi Andrea – So am I. I have a couple of people that keep contacting me and I keep telling them my schedule is booked, which has actually been true recently. I’ve had some lean months though where it’s a lot harder to do that.
Good on ya! Sending my rates seems to do the trick most of the time. I tried ignoring, but that only seemed to make it worse. The biggest part was actually holding my ground and not just ‘taking a quick look’ because we both know that there isn’t such a thing as a quick look. Ever.
Hi Norcross – I’ve been doing that more – sending the rates. Sometimes I want to take a quick look so I have a better idea of what I’m getting into but it generally doesn’t work out very well.
What an excellent post. I find that the best way to handle things is to be emotionally detached.
.-= vered – blogger for hire´s last blog ..Sex And The City: I Hate It Too =-.
Hi Vered – Sometimes when I’m frustrated I think of you saying “I try not to take anything online personally”. And it actually helps. I should keep in mind that most of these people don’t actually know me and I’m just some words in an email.
It’s a problem I have too, especially with people who’ve been clients and people I feel sorry for because they’re incredibly tech-illiterate. I’ve found that if it’s a big enough question, I get much less stressed when I tell them “Hmm, I’ll have to book a block of time to work on that.” Then give an estimate of when that would be, approx how much time I expect it to take, and hourly rate…essentially an un-asked-for quote acting on the assumption that for something this big it’d have to be a project. With former clients, that works especially well.
Sometimes giving stuff away is good for business, like recommending plugins, giving advice, etc. But I’ve been working on learning how to hit delete or how to postpone these. Otherwise it’s like being nibbled to death by ducks.
I’m actually planning to sell my consulting business this summer to pursue another interest and I’m looking forward to passing everyone on to the new owners. It’ll give me a chance to be assertive and to take a break.
.-= Ruth´s last blog ..I’ve Figured Out Who I’d Like to Cosplay =-.
Hi Ruth – That’s a great point – wanting to help people who are less technical. I find so often that they’ve been taken advantage of or have no idea how complicated what they are asking actually is.
I tend to give out free advice to people who work with on an ongoing basis. I did have one woman that I was doing a lot of work for want me to agree to something only being X amount of time because she said she wasn’t making enough and was paying me too much. I flat out told her that she send me a lot of “this is just a quick question” emails that I never charged her for and that should be taken into consideration when thinking about my actual cost.
I’ve become rather grumpy about the Thesis theme for that in particular, as people come to me saying “This is way more complicated that I thought it’d be? Wasn’t it supposed to be simple? I barely know HTML & CSS, what’s PHP?” So I try to help by sending them to some of the better tutorials (or pre-empt by writing my own) and then charging when they’re sure they can’t do it.
Fixing hacked sites is another thing that I want to do for free, but won’t. Nobody asks me to do that for free, but I feel so bad for these upset, stressed people. Fortunately, I have enough backbone to charge for my time on that.
.-= Ruth´s last blog ..Changeless by Gail Carriger =-.
Hi Ruth – Oh Thesis – what a joy that is. It’s true that doing basic things to the site is easier but any customization beyond that requires functions,which most people aren’t going to be able to do. Even I get annoyed when something that should be simple is overly complicated.
I always charge to fix hacked sites but because I know how stressful that is for people I will often adjust my schedule and do them immediately. Not that I feel responsible but because I understand that feeling of helplessness.
I had a situation where I had to be nice but assertive (is that passive aggressive?) so I tried being nice first. But I got no where. So I tried assertive on the second request and got “…and you could have been nicer when you asked….” crap. So I ignored the second comment and moved on with my life.
I am not sure if it’s being a women that’s a factor but more of people trying to get away with freebies. But whatever people’s motives are, you have to set the tone. If people think they can anything out of you, they will try anything. Stand firm and be the boss that you are. You are mother to a teenager. This is cake walk!
Oh, and on that note, can you tell me how to ……
.-= karen´s last blog ..No evidence organic foods benefit health =-.
Hi Karen – LOL
I think the way we first answer is the way people will expect us to be. It’s really hard – I guess it’s best to just be clear from the beginning..
Oh – and my kid is only 8 ;-) I am so not looking forward to her being a teenager…
8 or 18….parenting is a lot harder than dealing with any customers, I think. Think of them like your kids. You have to set you boundaries from the beginning or they’ll walk all over you. Like you said, be clear from the beginning so that there are no misunderstandings and double meanings.
Like I say to my kids, “What part of the word ‘no’ don’t you understand?”
I love this series. If you have balls to even post these, you are being assertive!
Hi Karen – Absolutely. I stayed home with my kid for 3.5 years after she was born. By far, the hardest job I’ve ever had.
My Mom used to say – when someone is really annoying you picture them as a newborn baby. Everyone was one once and who can be angry at a brand new baby. It kind of works.
I meant, “think of them as if they are your child”
You and I need to install “Edit Comment” plug ins. Can’t find one I like.
.-= karen´s last blog ..No evidence organic foods benefit health =-.
Kim,
Absolutely rockin’ post. I could tell the passion behind it as I read through.
You have always been fantastic about the silly little WP questions I sometimes darken your doorstep with. I do appreciate it. For those that don’t I say: Pbbbbttt!
Oh, and GO VILLA (next season) :-)
George
.-= George Angus´s last blog ..Random House, You’ve Crossed The Line =-.
Hi George – I don’t remember you asking too many questions.
And – you sent me a book!!!! I haven’t read it yet but I’m still so excited about it.
So so so true. And Mike I’m with you, in person people think I would be more assertive but I’m totally passive.
Anyhow, I agree anybody with a small business needs to learn to be assertive without being “mean” because if you give them an inch they take a mile.
I’ve been told before “a successful person will never answer their phone” and find it 100% correct. Before business took off I had my number on cards and used to respond to customers because I felt bad if I didn’t.
Fact is the neediest customers often are not worth having as a customer. You think that they just need a little push into becoming a customer and its done there. Its not. Post sale they want things replaced that were never defective in the first place, keep asking for things for free or special deals like they’re so friggin important, and waste tons of “support” time. I end up losing on them, so I’ve just stopped responding to those types and let the sale go.
The most profitable customers have turned out to be the quietest, placing multiple large orders and only ever contacting me when they had legitimate questions and were surprised I knew exactly who they were.
Hi Mark – I rarely answer the phone if I don’t recognize the number or if the call isn’t scheduled in advance. It frequently ends up taking too much time with little positive benefits.
That’s a good point about the most profitable customers – I love the ones that respond quickly, are pretty much happy with everything and and are professional and polite.
Giving out too much for free is some of what my problem I want to chat about is about. lol
I’m a little surprised at your ‘tude concerning the affiliate program idea. :-)
Is it because you don’t want to be flooded with work? Honestly, that’s really the only reason I’d see for not wanting it.
.-= Dennis Edell | Direct Sales Marketing´s last blog ..New Form of Human SPAM – Now via Yahoo Messenger =-.
HI Dennis – I’ve never heard of an affiliate program for an individual – it makes no sense to me. But, there could be something here that I’m not aware of.
I also get most of my work through referrals and these people don’t expect a kickback – they do it because they are happy with the work that I do.
LOL@Kickback, easy there sarge. :~) I too have referred many when I enjoy, not for monetary reasons.
I don’t think many “one (wo)man shows” do think of such a thing, but it could bring in lots of business; which could of course also be detrimental to one person.
.-= Dennis Edell | Direct Sales Marketing´s last blog ..WTH? To Say I’m Perplexed Would be an Understatement to Say the Least =-.
It depends for me. Sometimes I’m very assertive and other times I’m shy. When I get mad people usually know. =)
I think having an online business makes it seem to some people in different time zones that you are always on their time zone or available. I’ve found this to be true for my business.
When I emailed you for help you did a good job at explaining to me you were busy and when you would get to it. So I think that says a lot and clients should understand.
I’ve seen some people actually have a disclaimer on how long it will take for them to get back to a person. Something like 24 hours or between the business hours of 9am – 5pm EST.
.-= Sommer´s last blog ..Kinda Sorta Not Really: Help Wanted and Prizes =-.
Hi Sommer – I consider requests from people, like you, that I’ve been working with for a long time to be completely different than the one off requests. For example, I will answer you after hours but not a request from someone I don’t know. And the other day I wanted to fix it immediately but knew I wouldn’t be able to concentrate while Alex kept reminding me about how hungry she was ;-) I’m eager for her to make her own meals because all she does it eat.
I’ve thought about the hours but … mine vary from day to day and I don’t know that I want to post an exact schedule. I should at least add the time zone.
Ahhh, the joys of working with the general public. Fortunately, most folks are good to work with, but it’s the last small percentage that we lose sleep over. We’ve been in business long enough to get a read on the folks that want to do business with us and have learned to not take the difficult ones on. However, we still get some that fall through the cracks. The ones that are so self-absorbed they cannot think of anyone besides themselves are the worst. Oh well.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Homes for Sale in Cottonwood Springs Kennewick Washington =-.
Hi Colleen – Sometimes you can tell right away and other times they seem to hide their true selves until late in the project. I am determined to write my FAQ this weekend, which will hopefully alleviate a number of the issues that I’ve been having.
Kim,
A very good post especially in the context of your freelance job. Without being assertive (and sometimes aggressive to unjust demands) one cannot really take a stand and progress. It’s easier said than done – but at the work place (not freelance job) we are at times taught how to avoid taking up a job that you don’t get due credit for or how to push it to someone else LOL
Again, great share..
.-= Ajith Edassery´s last blog ..Blog readability test – How readable is your blog? =-.
Hi Ajith – Thanks! Most of my problems at office jobs were with the managers so it was hard to be assertive about it. I think I have a problem with authority figures ;-)